A Geezer Manifesto

Having reached the milestone of three score years, I find myself faced with the challenge of how best to spend my remaining time on Earth. My first task will be to drag out this period for as long as possible, wringing every last nanosecond out of my potential lifetime. I will do this with a positive outlook, improved diet and exercise, and plain white envelopes stuffed with twenties for the Grim Reaper.

Of course, the simple pursuit of longevity isn't enough for a fulfilling existence. A life must have purpose and direction; there must always be meaningful goals, self-sacrifice, and higher aspirations than one's own selfish desires. I guess that rules out just waiting around for the Bruins to win the Stanley Cup.

But the pitfalls are many in our dotage. Old age has a habit of making us ornery, entitled, and, um...indiscreetly loquacious. The inevitable aches and pains of senescence can cause even the most stoic soul to become whiny and irritable, and I was already there at eighteen. The increase in irrational and offensive speech may also have a physical basis, but I think it's mostly that oldsters don't give a damn what other people think. Entitlement is a thornier philosophical issue.

Many subscribe to the belief that wisdom comes with age. Sorry, but only wrinkles, cataracts, and memory loss come with age, so you better have some wisdom before you get here. Many also believe that experience is the best teacher. If so, how do you explain old guys in whale pants? In fact, hanging around the planet a long time does not rightfully confer upon you anything other than the nickname "Pops."

And yet, we expect deference as we get older. We demand blind acceptance of our opinions, inflated praise for our accomplishments, and complete tolerance of our foibles. In return, we'll take your seat on the subway and complain if our soup isn't hot. Forgive me, my fellow geezers and geezettes, but this is neither becoming nor fair. I hereby pledge that I will not fall victim to this syndrome, and I swear to uphold the following ten principles of proper geriatric behavior.

1) There is no age-related immunity for the "ten items or less" restriction.

2) All grandchildren are created equal. Your Kenny is not superior because he can sculpt an airplane from his boogers.

3) Eyebrows should be trimmed before they resemble furry welcome mats.

4) Success or failure in the bathroom does not have global implications. It is not necessary to have daily briefings or issue press releases.

5) Automobile turn signals were not installed as holiday decorations nor is their use optional.

6) "When I was your age" is not the opening clause of every sentence in the English language.

7) No whale pants. Ever.

8) A thermostat is a device with settings below eighty-five degrees.

9) Once whiskers turn gray, clean-shaven or full beard are the only acceptable looks. The two-day growth is allowed if you're in a back alley sucking down Thunderbird.

10) There is no such thing as "The Divine Right of Codgers."